My thoughts.

Me: HILLARY , DO YOU LOVE ME?

Hillary: Yes Haley , i love you.

Hope: Haley , leave your aunt alone.

Me: NO , HILLARY PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE?

Hillary: What do you want Haley?

Me: (:

Hope: I’m scared.

Me: Hillary , will you buy me and Hope porn?

Hillary: No Haley , I don’t have any money.

I haven’t updated this thing in forever , so I’m going to start doing so from now on.

This is to pushing down the splintered walls of the world, trying to break free. This is to 4 AM phone calls and tears that can’t be wiped away by tissues. This is to the cancer patient dying in the end, because she wasn’t strong enough anymore. This is to red wine and cigarette’s on the floor, to the boy that didn’t love her back. This is to valued letters and notes that got lost in the washer, torn to a million little pieces. This is for unwanted help, and most needed attention; to the girls that put up away messages hoping he’ll understand. This is to the victims and the victimizers; to the people who couldn’t help it when they bled. This is to not only the guys being heartbreakers; but the girls as well. This is to those who had their hearts ripped from their sleeves.

This is to believing every lie. This is to being sick to my stomach just thinking about him loving someone else.

This is to the pain I hold in everyday. This is to the escape I thought I found in him. This is to those that live with a heart that has long since been broken.

This is to all the “What if’s?” and the wishes that’ll never come true. This is to feeling so desperate, but can’t help it, because all you want is them back. This is to all the word’s you never said and the one’s we choke on. This is to holding your breath in that one perfect moment and terrified you’ll blink and it’ll all be gone. This is to when it’s all gone and you feel like you having nothing left. This is to realizing it’s not all your fault. And that their never coming back. This is to those who never got to say goodbye after saying something harsh before they left. This is to everything you once thought meant something and never did. This is to those who feel better aching than empty. This is to what didn’t happen.

This is to the tommorrow’s that are just another thing to get through. This is to how I wish I’d never come that close to loving you. This is to realizing that you are your own (and everyone else’s) worst enemy. This is to those that are dying just to be alive. This is to knowing a relationship may or may not work out, but taking the leap anyway. This is to sticking your finger down your throat, in hope’s that they’ll accept you. This is to every tear you’ve wasted on people who didn’t care. This is to sitting and waiting for your phone to ring. This is to being ignored and trying to be perfectly imperfect.

This is to finding him, and holding on tight. This is to the girl behind that smile. This is to those movies and those magazines, the ones that make girls stop eating, stop breathing… stop caring. This is to wanting to speak the most honest words you’ve ever spoken in your life, not knowing wether they should bring you closer to living or dying. This is for all of us who cry with dry eyes. This is for those who fall in love with their dreams, and wake to only wish you were sleeping again.

This is to not knowing, and this is to not wanting to know. This is to true love never ignited. This is to prose and poetry and those with tender hearts. This is to those who’ll never get it.. and those who wonder where love starts. This is to that one person you think is the kindest, sweetest, smartest, most beautiful person ever. This is to that one person who means everything. This is to losing that one person. This is to loving him, but having to say no to him. This is to having him in your arms again, but knowing it won’t last. This is to those night’s where you just can’t sleep because every word they said to you replay’s over, and over. This is to those days when you just stay at home because your heart is too weak to take on laughing. This is to him telling your secret’s noone is supposed to know. This is to the girl that put’s on his jacket when she’s cold. And this is to the guy that catches her in smelling his scent. This is to letting go just as he starts to hold on. This is to beautiful boys who are just beautiful friends. This is to the one’s who sit at home, lonely, hoping to find someone just like them. This is to the one’s who constantly try to bring you down because your succesful and they never came close. This is to all the boy’s who turned our heart’s to glass just to shatter them and use the pieces to cut the wound’s a little deeper.

This is to all the times when I wish I had said no. This is to all the times I knew what he was doing and I ignored it. This is to that tingly butterfly feeling you get when they’re around. This is to the night when feelings changed. This is to the broken mirror and the blood on your ankle. This is to the very first kiss. This is to the eye contact, avoiding it, keeping it, trying to hide it. This is to feeling emotionless, and watching yourself bleed just to know you still feel.

This is to the girl that never gives up, this is to the boy that let’s her give up. This is for teaching yourself how to care, when it’s the last thing you want to do. This is to the one’s that still care, reciting promise’s of forever. This is to the fish that killed off all the other’s in the tank and now just won’t die.

This is to being so inlove it fucking scares you. This is to the word’s never spoken. This is to the fragile ones and the ones that never let them bruise. This is to those who attempt perfect, and know they’ll never achieve it. This is to those who fight for the weak and the hopeless. This is to those who never give up on their dreams- no matter what. This is to the girls who pretend to be super girl, just to hide their pain. This is to the boys that made them hurt. This is for the children who cry themselves at night, wishing their parent’s loved them. This is to those who survived and have become stronger, better people. This is to those who love that one person more than they’ll ever know, and have to live everyday wondering if they really care about you too.

I start to wonder why I even tried.

I feel like you gave up on me.

J u s t l i k e e v e r y o n e e l s e.

I hate people. You can’t walk by someone without them HAVING to say something bad. I wonder if there ever was a point in life when people didnt care what you looked like. I honestly don’t get what the big deal is about how “fat” someone is, or what they look like. It’s not like people can help how they look. I know, I have no room to talk. I treat people like shit with my words all the time. But lately I’ve been thinking, why? Why do we act like this? I wish the world was blind. If we were all blind we wouldn’t be so judgemental and shallow. We’d love everyone for how they act and the way they make us feel. It’s sad, how we can be standing next to someone who is completely broken down and not even know or care.

I don’t like this, this whole situation. The whole, growing up. Everyday I see little kids and they do such stupid stuff. Climbing on chairs, screaming, playing hide-and-seek. Now that I’m older if I did that I would get sent to the mental hospital. I miss when the monsters were under my bed. What I hate the most though, is how when i do things like drinking chocolate milk with a straw and making bubbles, people act like I’M the weird one. When all i’m trying to do is keep my childhood alive. I sing when I walk down the street. I’m the first one to get to the icecream man in the summertime. I still pee with the door open and dance to no music. I still believe in the Tooth Fairy, and on Christmas I stay up to see if I can catch a glimpse of Santa. On Easter I hop around handing out easter eggs pretending I’m the Easter Bunny. My rubberr ducky keeps me company in the bathtub. When it rains I go and play in the mud. Electricity plugs fucking FASCINATE me. I ride my bike down the road with underwear on my head. Flipflops and socks are the coolest thing. Booty shorts and the newest Hollister tanktop don’t intrest me, I’d rather wear my Uncle’s Spongebob t-shirt. Have you ever heard a song from so long ago with so many memories tied to it, it made you cry? And didn’t you wish you could go back into time when everything seemed so much simpler and carefree? Those are songs that are the soundtrack of our lives. Remember when; Ollie-Ollie-Oxen-Free meant something? Getting high meant swinging at the playground? Dad was our hero and Mom was the girl you were going to marry? Your worst enimies were your siblings? Race isssues were who ran the fastest and war was just a card game? Life was simple and carefree. But what I remember the most was just wanting to grow up. Now Ollie-Ollie-Oxen-Free is just some gibberish. Getting high is a major issue and pot isnt a pan in the kitchen anymore. STD’s and babie’s are huge compared to cooties. Dad’s an asshole and Mom can’t wait to marry you off. Your siblings are your bestfriends. Race issues and war are common things these days, and their not fun anymore. I wish I were two again because skinned knee’s are easier to mend than broken hearts.

The worst thing about my life, is I’m growing up in a society where I’ll never be the pretty girl. Everyone seems to have everything I don’t. And dreams are always one cloud away from where I am.

We spend twelve years of our lives trying to learn how to live, But everytime we try to live in those twelve years were told were wrong. Then everyone you’ve grown to love is taken away and scattered. That’s what they should teach you in school, how to say goodbye and let go.